The concept here is that many people carry ‘baggage’ around with them: unhelpful beliefs, assumptions, memories, associations…and they always have the choice to put this baggage down.
So the device I use is to ask them to put on my laptop rucksack, which is quite heavy (an alternative is to lift up a chair); check first that they have no injuries or restrictions. I then ask if they can stand and carry that object with them for the rest of the session. They’ll look askance, and maybe ask why, in which case you simply say – “you’ll find out”. After a while, maybe a couple of minutes, ask them if they’re comfortable, and/or feeling the strain. They’ll probably say yes. Ask if they’d prefer to carry on holding or carrying it, or prefer to put it down. They’ll say put it down. So ask them to put it down. They do so – then ask them to sit comfortably, and explain that the exercise has been a metaphor for the emotional baggage or burden that they may carry with them. And just like the physical bag, or chair, they choose to pick it up and carry it, and can also choose to put it down (or let it go). Ask them which they’d prefer. They’d usually choose put it down/let it go. Remind them that, having put it down, they always have the choice to pick it up again (but once it’s been put down, no one ever picks it back up).
Coach message: it’s a useful device for introducing and developing the idea of emotional baggage. In itself it is very powerful, but the likelihood is that the client will say it is difficult to do with real baggage in real life. Your answer to this will depend on your client and the approach you want to take, but could include:
- beware of the self-fulfilling prophesy of saying it’s difficult
- how do you know if you haven’t given it a go?
- work out between you what the client can do, step by step, to put it down/let it go:
- use a visualisation strategy
- ask the client what success would look like, and work back from there…(reversal)
This is a coaching model of mine, one that I use perhaps more than any other. The letters stand for:
B: Benchmark: where are you now?
A: Aim: where do you want to be?
N: Need: what do you need to get there?
D: Difficulty: what’s stopping you?
A: Action: what action do you need to take to address the difficulty?
In my view, most models pay too much attention to goal setting, and the question stops at ‘what do you need to do to achieve the goal?’. In my experience, that’s not enough, because what’s stops most people achieving their goal are the difficulties they face. So as this model emphasises, attention has to be paid to identifying the difficulties – the blocks, barriers and obstacles – and then focusing on what needs to be done to prevent, remove or get past them.
Coach message: this may help you, as the coach, by providing a structure on which to base your conversation. It gives you a useful route in to raising and pursuing an issue. BUT: don’t be a slave to this, or any other structured model. Be prepared to flex or abandon it if it isn’t helpful to the client or the discussion…
Another model of mine, which I call the formula for success. In my experience, these 5 factors need to be present, and in this order, for someone to be successful. Having all 5 in place won’t guarantee success, but the lack of any of them usually guarantees failure. The 5 factors are:
B: Belief – the client has to believe that what they want to achieve is achievable: otherwise – why bother?
C: Commitment – belief alone isn’t enough: that’s wishful thinking or dreaming; the client has to show commitment. A positive drive and desire to do something to fulfil their belief
T: Technique – often (but not always) success depends on the client acquiring and demonstrating one or more techniques to help them be successful. Tools, tips, ways of making it happen…
P: Practice – persistence and perseverance. Not expecting instant success, but knowing (believing?) practice will pay off. So this is about putting in the hard yards: short term pain for long term gain.
O: Ownership – the client has to own, or have control of or access to the various resources that are necessary for success. You can’t drive without access to a car; you can’t play the piano without access to a piano…
Coach message: the same as for BANDA…
This is often a key issue for clients – their belief systems, and in particular their negative belief systems, about themselves and/or the world. The client may need to know, and confront, two things which, if they do, may come as a shock, and be the breakthrough they need. Beliefs tend to be important in three ways:
they are often unconscious to and for the client; it is rare for a client to be able to list their key beliefs. Most people don’t examine their beliefs – in fact, may not even recognise they have them, and how important they are. And even if you or I say we can identify and list our beliefs – is that true? We can only list the ones we are conscious of…what about those that we have, but we are oblivious to?
Once someone has a belief (conscious or otherwise) they tend to look for and select evidence (about themselves and/or the world) to confirm those beliefs: seek and you will find…
Beliefs are not the same as truths: a truth is:
Factual
Testable/observable/measurable
Accepted usually as a truth by everyone
Cannot be changed
A belief is:
Opinion
Cannot be tested or proved
Is held by some, but not everyone
Can be changed
The trouble is, a belief is usually regarded as a truth by those who have that belief. So my definition of a belief is ‘a subjective truth’ – so they act as if their belief was a truth. And because of this, and because they select evidence to confirm their belief, most beliefs become what are known as Self Fulfilling Prophesies (SFP)
Coach message: firstly, check out your own. Then, working with the client, decide through conversation if you think the client might have one or more self-limiting beliefs. If they do, remember they may be reluctant to give them up or change them. You could use the 3 letters of SLB to probe further:
- explain the idea and importance of beliefs
- explain why a belief might be limiting
- explain that it is a choice made by the client to have that belief
If it’s a truth, then there’s no choice about it. If it’s a belief, it can be modified, replaced or even abandoned. To put it simply, there’s no choice about truths; there is a choice about beliefs. This can be a very empowering ‘light bulb’ moment: the difference between a truth and a belief; between no choice and choice.
I’ve found that the client and I can have a useful discussion about the consequences of any belief. For example, suppose a client believed:
“I’m clumsy”
You can ask and discuss:
- what’s the consequence of having such a belief?
- do those consequences work for you?
- if you didn’t have this belief, and weren’t clumsy, what would be the consequence?
- does that work better for you?
- if one works better than the other, is it worth at least investigating if we can replace on with the other – because clearly there is a positive advantage to you to do so….
It is also worth working on the power of the Self Fulfilling Prophesy, neatly summarised by this phrase:
“whatever we believe, we give ourselves permission to achieve”
So our actions are often created, even driven by, our beliefs. Going back to the clumsy example, if I believe I am clumsy, then I have to be clumsy, in order to justify or validate the belief. If I had the belief of being clumsy, but was never clumsy, it would be a difficult belief to sustain. So beliefs are a strong predictor of behaviours. Note that this works in both directions:
strong belief produces validating behaviours
strong, repetitive behaviours produce validating beliefs
Be constantly on the lookout for self limiting beliefs and self-fulfilling prophesies, and encourage the client, if appropriate, to take out and examine their beliefs. And in any part of the conversation, address them if they crop up from the client…
A blind spot is a behaviour the client has that has an impact on another person or group that is unknown or unintended by the client. So there are two types of blind spots:
A: the client is completely unaware of their behaviour – oblivious to it
B: the client is aware of their behaviour, but not of its impact on others
The client cannot, by definition, self correct these behaviours – since they are blind to them. Blind spots are not open to self-awareness. Someone usually has to point them out to the client – which is often assumed to be likely to be uncomfortable, and therefore is avoided. The consequence of that is, of course, that the blind spot behaviour will just continue. So anyone facing unhelpful blind spot behaviour has either the choice of confronting the blind spot behaviour, or continuing to put up with it. (By the way, the text books tend to focus on negative blind spot behaviour – but it is equally possible to have positive blind spot behaviour….)
Coach message: as with everything else, check out your blind spots. Given this is something you can’t do directly for yourself, then seek honest feedback, and explain why (I regard personal blind spot feedback as a gift, not a criticism, since it gets me out of my prison of unwanted behaviours). There is another source of blind spot feedback: being particularly observant of others’ reactions to you. One of NLP’s presuppositions is:
“the meaning of the communication is the response you get”
So there are three issues here:1) as coach, you might notice a possible blind spot in your client; if so, you may need to consider whether you give that feedback or not, and if so, how; 2) the client might want to know how to give blind spot feedback to a work colleague (for example); 3) the client might be wondering how to address a difficult behaviour or relationship with someone else, and discussing blind spot behaviour might usefully inform the discussion.
