This is an activity I use to demonstrate the power of habit.  Ask the client to fold their arms; then ask them to unfold and fold them the other way round.  Watch them, and their degree of struggle (it’s a useful practice of calibration).  Ask them how easy it was, and how it feels.  Ask them to unfold, and fold again, as they wish.  They will all fold using their normal way.  This demonstrates the nature and power of habit.  In this case, the arm fold that they use is neither good nor bad; but it is now embedded.  Was it learned, or did it happen naturally?  But if they had to, what would it take to unlearn it, to fold it the other way, and as naturally/automatically as they fold their normal way?

Coach message: use devices to demonstrate key learning – but let the client do the learning; ask questions, rather than tell them what to think. Specifically, the client will see and feel how difficult it is to change a habit, and perhaps reflect on what would be necessary to make the change.

I find this a really powerful technique to do with control and choice.  Here’s how it works:

• ask if they know what arm wrestling is, and if they don’t – either don’t use it, or explain what it usually means
• set it up so you can ‘arm wrestle’ (check first they have no relevant body injuries or weaknesses)
• explain you’ll both begin on the count of 3. Count down, 1,2,3
• on the first go, let them ‘win’ by them pushing your arm to the table – no resistance from you at all
• on the second and third go, do the same
• on the 4th go, hold their pressure, but don’t try to win: try and equalise their pressure, so both your hands stay clasped at the same point
• on the 5th go, be sneaky; rush 1,2,3 and catch them by surprise, and try to push their arm down
• on the 6th go – count down, then simply disengage: discontinue holding their hand…

Now the discussion, which starts with two questions:

• who won?
• who had the most control?

and see where the conversation takes you….

Coach message: typically the client will recognise that the answer to the first question depends on the definition (frame) of ‘winning’.  If the ‘game’ is won by pushing the arm of the other person onto the table, then ‘they’ won.  But that may not be the only definition of ‘winning’.  The client may even get to:

each person had a different outcome in mind (ie a different view of ‘winning’)
each played by different rules
don’t play a game you can’t win
the coach had the most control, in terms of strategies and preferred outcomes
challenge the default – especially if it doesn’t work for you.

Acknowledge, Say no, Suggest a helpful alternative.  Useful as a constructive way of saying no to someone, by positioning it within two positives – the recognition or acknowledgement of their request, and the offer of a constructive alternative (and there always is one)

Coach message:  useful if the client is struggling with being assertive, particularly in saying no.  It’s a clear but simple strategy or device that someone could learn, to help them with their difficulty.