We all have 3 key outlets through which others form an impression of us. How we look, sound and act. If we look friendly, sound friendly and act in a friendly way – then others will think of us as…friendly. Over time, and especially if we are consistent, our LSA becomes our DNA. So choose your LSA wisely…and if you should want to be thought of as friendly, but don’t LSA it – you are delusional.
How you introduce yourself means giving yourself a label – so make sure it works for you, and in particular, in any particular setting. People form impressions around labels, before they get a chance to know the real you. Imagine I introduced myself to you as one of the following:
Would you feel positively or negatively disposed towards me, depending on the label?
If you want to influence someone positively, then they and their needs should be a major consideration – even if meeting them puts you out a little. They’d prefer to eat at a vegetarian restaurant, you wouldn’t. Doesn’t matter – put yourself out to put them in. People tend to be influenced by people who they are closest to – so you won’t have much success if you distance yourself from them, by prioritising your own preferences over theirs.
If you were going to France for a holiday, what currency would you take? I’m assuming you’d say Euros. But if you’re from the UK, why not take £ – pounds stirling? The answer’s pretty obvious: you wouldn’t get far, and you’d be dismissed as rude and self-centred, arrogant even. Yet this applies in building relationships too; everyone has a set of currencies – ways they prefer to operate; how they ‘spend’ themselves; their ways. And the sooner you can identify them, then match them, the sooner they will be at ease with, and accepting, of you….
Listen carefully. Observe carefully. The other person is always transmitting cues and clues – things you can make a mental note of, and refer to later. They may tell you the names of their two daughters; or their favourite food; or the car they drive. Make a mental note, and bring it back into the conversation at some time. It is usually appreciated – often at the unconscious level: it is telling them that you have genuinely paid attention, and listened, and have a good memory….
People tend to value, and be influenced by, someone’s credibility. Their reputation or track record. And especially if it comes from a valued third party…
You don’t have to be attractive in the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie way. What I mean by this is that people should generally feel comfortable and safe with you; they ‘like’ you. They would be happy to sit at a meal table with you; or get into a good conversation with you. You’d put them at ease…
‘Affinity’ here means common ground – that you share something in common. There are any number of contenders, you just have to seek them out:
The more common ground you have, the more you are likely to associate with each other, talk to each other, and of course, be influenced by each other.
Reciprocity is all about equalising. Most people do not like being ‘one down’, or ‘in debt’ (this is sometimes called ‘indebtedness’). If you’re at the pub, and everyone else has bought a round of drinks, you’ll feel it necessary to buy one – even if you don’t want a drink. Some people can take advantage of this, by giving you a gift, or doing you a favour, knowing you will be under psychological pressure to reciprocate – equalise. So you may give something or concede something entirely because of the need for reciprocity, when under normal circumstances, you wouldn’t have given or conceded at all…
It’s pointless to pretend to be interested in their interest if you are not – they will see through that straight away. However, it is perfectly valid, and helpful, to be interested in THEIR interest in their interest:
…and so on. That is something they will appreciate – and love talking about – so settle back for more cues and clues…
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